​Hellooooooooooooo In Theeeeeeerrre!

I think the first time I heard Violet say this was at the playground.  You know those toys at playgrounds that allow you to play “telephone”? They usually  resemble a funnel and have little speaker holes in them.  One person says something in one end, while the other listens on their end in another part of the playground to hear the message. 

She also says this when looking through the end of one her paper towel roll telescopes or when investigating how her voice echoes in a setting that allows for it. 

Hellooooooooooooo In Theeeeeeerrre! 

And I’m realizing, in my post-holiday, post-survival of the first year of losing my child that I’m in there.  I’m still inside of me.  And I think I’m starting to show again, on the outside.

 I feel as if a shell or a shadow of me has been walking around in my life this past year.  I did all or most of the things that I had to do.  I did all of the things that my heart told me would make new wonderful memories.  I did what I thought would honor Lucy’s soul and her place in this world.
 
I put myself back out into the world with work.  I got through the birthday.  I spent time around other babies.  I got through the trauma that is stored in the cells in my body that forced me to relive parts of it again. I got through my first Thanksgiving without Lucy in my arms, and my second Christmas too.   I got through the anniversary of my little girl leaving us in this world to gain her freedom. 

Hellooooooooooooo In Theeeeeeerrre! 

And I think the worst is over for now.  And that feels like a relief.  For now. 

I know the waves of grief are going to knock me off my piece of shipwreck again.  But I hope that in the next year after they do, it won’t all feel like “I got through it”.  But I also wonder if that is just my new reality. 

I have been able to experience joy and pain together.  And my hope is that the pain becomes less and less.  I know it will never go away.  And I know that it will rear it’s ugly head again when anticipated and then again totally out of the blue. 

​​Hellooooooooooooo In Theeeeeeerrre! 

There has been much darkness. There has been much light.  And I’m learning that painful life lesson still.  You can’t have the pain, without the love.  And I won’t lose the love.  I refuse to lose the love. So I have to accept the pain. 

I’m looking forward to what is next.  What does the next year have in store for my own personal growth?  What does the next year have in store for my family?  Now that I’m able to access myself again, I can’t wait to find out.